By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I AM VODKA MAN
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
