Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
