does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
