You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
