It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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