You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
