Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
