Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
