if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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