Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
