I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
