Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
