I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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