I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
