please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
As shirtless as possible
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
