i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
