Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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