New low: just hacked my moms facebook
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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