I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Of course I have a pirate flag
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
