i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
