we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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