I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
