I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
