He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
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Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
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Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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