I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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