i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
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You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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