I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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