Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
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He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize