If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
