Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
