OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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