nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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