So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Don't EVER smell your tampon
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Can I color on your dick again?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
