just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
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My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
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Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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