Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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