My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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