The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
