The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
