I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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