I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
