you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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