I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
