Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
