Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
