I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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