Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
