I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
