i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Randomize
