I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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