my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
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I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize