the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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