Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
