I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
