Umm I'm too high to move.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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