I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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