I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
