My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
