he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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