"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
