He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
