so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
